i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Randomize
