if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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