There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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