you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
is it fun? or sober?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
