I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
FUCK WHALES
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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