Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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