I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
