Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
