They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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