Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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