you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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