I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
