she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Someone came in the potted fern
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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