We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
