I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
