one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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