I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
