we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
