pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
