: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
