Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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