How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize