Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Randomize
