you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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