I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
