Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
