I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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