My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Randomize
