My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
