Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
