I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
