If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
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