I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
