I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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