all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
