hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
