just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize