If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize
