I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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