The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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