Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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