I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Randomize
