At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
