So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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