getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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