I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
