now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
