I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
