How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
