sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Randomize
