i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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