Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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