Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize