did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
