Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
