i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
