theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
