I puked a lego.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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