i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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