I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
My balls are so social today.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Randomize
