Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
