woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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