its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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